Calling Jack Bauer

Who said:

“I am more than willing to be judged by the people you claim to represent. I will let them decide what price I should pay. But please do not sit up there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions I have made. Because, sir, the truth is I don’t.”

“Look, if you think your need to complain is more important than the lives of the people that are counting on us, go whine somewhere else!”

Jack Bauer from 24

Herewith is a script. jointly prepared by Rachel Maddow and Joy Reid, for what they anticipate will be first 24 hour day of Trump 47 …

Setting: White House, January 21, 2025.

12 AM to 1 AM

A tailor breathlessly rushes into the Oval Office bearing an exact copy of the uniform Charlie Chaplin wore in the movie The Great Dictator. The President will wear it for 24 hours. During the fitting his staff practices their genuflection skills. Once he is satisfied that he is sartorially resplendent he goes to the Resolute desk to sign an Executive Order establishing his one day dictatorship.

1 AM to 2AM

The President signs a second Executive Order regarding all future hiring by the Administration. DEI will be abandoned and replaced by MEI…Merit, Excellence and Intelligence. A copy of the Order is given to his favorite African-American Elon Musk who will be responsible for reducing the Federal budget. Several people in the room are visibly apprehensive.

2 AM to 3 AM

The President convenes the deportation team designated as Project Exit Velocity. Top priority will be violent gang members, those on the terror watch list and any illegal immigrant who voted in any of the last five elections. This will impact an estimated 1,234,869 illegal immigrants. The President signs a purchase order for 1,500 catapults to be deployed along the southern border, each designed to seat 75 passengers. The range is 1,000 yards and all of the fliers will be provided with free flight insurance providing coverage for all hazards except deceleration trauma.

3 AM to 4 AM

Exactly at 3 AM the national abortion policy team files in to discuss the implementation of a plan. All participants have parents who were abortion dodgers. It is agreed that any abortion ban will not apply to registered Democrats as polling shows that 97.46% of aborted fetuses would have grown up to vote for Democrats. One advisor argues strenuously that at least half of the abortion clinics should be located in or near areas with a high population of people of color. The Chief of Staff points out that such a policy is unnecessary as Planned Parenthood has already set up about 70% of their clinics at such locations.

4 AM to 5AM

Breakfast arrives and the team gets refueled. They work on the new climate policy which requires everyone to exhale twice for every time they inhale in order to generate more CO2.

5AM to 6 AM

The President signs an Executive Order reestablishing the Alien and Sedition Acts of 1798. For those who went to public schools it should be noted that the Sedition Act made it illegal to “write, print, utter or publish…any false, scandalous and malicious writing…with intent to defame the…government” or “to stir up sedition within the United States.” One of the team members was worried that this would basically shut down the entirety of the left wing media, The President responded with Lincolnian eloquence…”Duh!” Another suggested that the new law be called The Joy Reid Muzzling Act. No dissent was registered. The floor was then opened for nominations to chair the Sedition Identification Committee (SIC as in Sic Em). It was unanimously agreed that Steve Bannon would get the nod.

6 AM to 7 AM

The next hour was dedicated to the serious business of setting guidelines for national policy. A team was put in place to look at the much feared scheme to repeal the 15th and 19th Amendments. This would mark an effort to reduce the number of voters to ensure the election results would be known within one hour of the polls closing. David Duke was selected to head the EEOC. Pigpen from the Peanuts comic strip will manage the EPA and Kamala Harris was suggested as the new head of the Department of Education…sort of a “See how bad we failed” nomination. Reddy Kilowatt is named to head the Department of Energy.

7 AM to 8 AM

The team moved on to international issues. A motion was made to make Israel our 51st state. There was a lively discussion dominated by an assessment of the risk of upsetting the Squad. A picture of Ilhan Omar was put up on the screen and it was promptly bombarded by half-filled coffee cups and not quite empty soda cans. The mood lightened when they played the scene from Animal House when Flounder’s picture was flashed in Delta House. It took about 15 minutes to clean up the mess. It was, not unseriously, suggested that Omar be named Ambassador to North Korea.

8 AM to 9 AM

After decorum had been restored the President signed another Executive Order reintroducing the practice of dueling as the preferred means of settling political arguments among Federal government employees. It was unanimously agreed that it would be called the Aaron Burr Opposition Elimination Policy. The Order was greeted with universal approval and JD Vance was dispatched to start an argument with Chuck Schumer.

9 AM to 10 AM

An Executive Order is signed naming Baron Trump as Prince of Wales. As a reward to JD Vance Brutus the Buckeye will be the White House mascot. A pardon will be issued for all January 6 defendants and they will be immediately hired by the FBI as field agents. As Christopher Wray has fled to Uruguay the recently pardoned Joe Arpaio will be named FBI Director and will have 48 hours to identify all of the FBI assets who were on Capitol Hill on January 6, 2021. Wray was unaware that anything occurred on the date. With Merrick Garland also Montevideo bound the new Attorney General Rudy Giuliani will be tasked with drilling down on the suspected cheating in the 2020 election.

10 AM to 11 AM

Vivek Ramaswamy joins the meeting to discuss his plans as Secretary of Downsizing. All agreed that the Departments of Education and Energy would be shut down. The Department of the Interior will be moved forthwith to Casper, Wyoming. The Department of Agriculture will be moved fifthwith (even faster) to Topeka, Kansas. The Department of Homeland Security will be moved to El Paso, Texas. All appointed, as opposed to confirmed, Federal officials will be required to resign effective immediately. A new Secretary of Transportation will be appointed who does NOT believe that all of the overpasses in Connecticut are racist. The new Secretaries of Labor and Commerce will be required to submit position papers explaining what exactly they do and why their Departments should not be abolished. The President is seeking a Treasury Secretary who actually knows what a budget means which would distinguish that individual from Janet Yellen. First job of the new Secretary will be to develop a plan to address the pending collapse of real estate prices in the District of Columbia.

11 AM to 12 PM

The President, as promised, calls the President of Mexico and orders takeout for the staff lunch. Almost forgets to mention that he will be closing the southern border to all trucks from Mexico until the immigration issue is resolved. He graciously offers to send Kamala Harris, based on her previous success, to assist the Mexican government with this project. To close the deal he offers to return California to our neighbors to the South. He refuses any payment for his generosity.

12 PM to 1 PM

Balance of the schedule cancelled as the President accidentally starts World War III.

“Some part of getting a second chance is taking responsibility for the mess you made in the first place.” Jack Bauer

Special thanks to Jonathan Swift